The Case Against Cats

My roommate had a couple friends staying over last week, and they brought their kitten. Pearl. She was a white Siamese cat with huge eyes and extra toes. 

After spending a couple days with her I found myself walking out of the house with swollen lymph glands and fine mists of white fluff stuck to my cardigans. This was enough to ignite my cat hatred. And so I came up with a list of grievances.

The case against cats:

1. They carry a disease, which they transmit in their shit, that makes you go crazy...Toxoplasmosis     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxoplasmosis
2. BTW they shit and piss in the house, on purpose. And you get to clean it up. And then get toxoplasmosis. (I can make excuses for creatures like rabbits who piss in the house – their brain is the size of a pea.)
3. They stare at you when you don’t know it – general shystyness. 
4. My sister Kali was bitten by a cat with rabies at a young age, causing her to, as a possible defense mechanism, walk around on all fours like a dog for years, barking at me, and pinching me, peeing her pants.
5. They carry rabies.
6. They offer no skill set, unlike dogs, who coevolved with humans and offer protection, comradery, and even hunting skills, if you so wish. Have you ever seen a seeing-eye cat? No, because they’re too busy licking themselves or coughing up the bits of themselves they just licked, which you then clean up. Unless you’re blind.
7. They have names like “Pearl.”
8. Their toy of choice is a Ribbon Dancer
9. They stink, literally. And of course the finicky bastards hate water, making baths impossible.
10. You have to buy the surface that they piss on. Yes. But really? They can’t just piss outside? Is the concern that if you let them out to go to the bathroom, they may run away? Because if that's the case, maybe you should reconsider -- maybe your cat doesn't want to be with you anyways. Why don’t we leave them in their alleys?

-J