[WARNING: If you are already in a bad mood, you may not want to read this as it will include quite a bit of gloom and doom b/c I have been in a funk as of late. If you wish to continue reading, do so at your own risk.]
So as of late, I have been in a funk and here's why: I'm recontemplating my career path/choices I made in the past. I remember thinking when I was a sophomore in college, "I'm not gonna worry about that now, I have more time..." or "I'm not gonna make a decision right now on my career, because I have more time, I'll make that decision when I'm ready." That continued for weeks, which then turned into months, which then turned into years, and 5 years later, I am still no closer to having a career than I was when I was 21, thinking those exact same thoughts.
And you know what, it pisses me off. I'm mad at myself for not taking more initiative, doing more research, even doing more soul searching. I'm mad at myself for not finding a true passion/calling and pursuing it, no matter what anyone else said. I've heard some older people say, people in their 50+ say, "Oh, don't worry, I still don't know what I want to do with my life either." That does not comfort me. I don't want to be in my 50's still wondering if I missed some opportunity or over looked my big "ah-hah" moment because I was too busy busting my ass at a $10/hr job. That would just be so sad it's ridiculous, but I think it happens. I think it happens a lot. People get busy living life, and worry more about where their next paycheck is going to come from, instead of finding their niche in life. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be that person, and if I'll always be that person. And it makes me sick. It keeps me awake at night. It makes me feel like a complete loser, and sometimes, it even makes me cry. Not knowing/understanding now looking back, why I got 2 completely useless degrees, that are in NO way marketable in this economy makes me want to scream. I am beyond frustrated. In fact, I have a hard time even talking about this subject out loud, because when I do, I normally burst into very angry tears. I'm mad at myself for not having a back up plan, and for settling for something that was generally easy to get my bachelors in, and not really challenging myself. Grad school is another story, that program was definitely NOT easy.
I also feel misunderstood. My husband has known what he's wanted to do his entire life, and started his journey towards his final goal when he was literally in elementary school; so my predicament is incomprehensible to him. "How can you not know?" He asks, as if I'm from another planet. I wish I was more like him, I wish I had set my sights really high, and just went for it like he did. I wish I had figured it out when I was a child, and then just pursued it, but I didn't.
My question now is, how do I fix this? How do I "pick myself up by the boot straps" as my Mom would say and find my calling? Go back to school? Thought about it, it makes me want to vomit but if that's the only way I can figure it out, than maybe that's my one and only option. Maybe I need to go on a vision quest like the Indians used to, but is that even legal now? Wasn't there peyote involved in vision quests?
I'm obviously just going through some major growing pains right now, and I probably need to stop thinking so much and just do something about it before my head explodes. It sounds so simple, but is so incredibly hard for me to do. Why? Why is it so hard for me to just pick a USEFUL career and pursue it? A REAL career plan too, not some pipe dream, long shot, billionaire dream of a plan, like becoming the next J.K. Rowling. What are the odds of that actually happening, like 1 in a bazillion? I can't answer that either, maybe I'll find that answer too, on my vision quest.
-K
Hey Kal,
ReplyDeleteOof, this is a tough one, and a question that seems to be goin around—the post-grad blues. The funny thing is, I don’t know that I believe in all the “soul-searching” stuff. I don’t think it’s so much about FINDING what it is you want to do, but about allowing yourself to do what it is you NEED to do. What gives you piece of mind? What gives you energy for the day? What can’t you go without?
I guess I do think over time there is a kind of process of elimination. When you’re 21, you want to be 101 things. Then you realize you’re not really that good at all those things you want to do, and that they’re not actually so essential to your life, or that you just don’t have the drive for them. (And in our day and age, we almost have TOO MANY choices, but that’s another story.)
I think I agree with Kraig, that we all sort of really know what it is we want to do with our lives. It’s just that money, peer pressure, family pressure, etc. gets in the way. I’ve always always always wanted to make things, and I have always loved writing. When I don’t do these things, I feel a lack in my life, and I get horrible anxiety.
I was talking to my roommate the other day, who is a couple of years out of school and has gone through some intense interning and shitty jobs, and has just gone back to school for nursing, even though she graduated with an art degree. I asked her if she always wanted to be a nurse. She said, “Yea, I think so. The other day at my mom’s house I found this worksheet I did as a kid, and it asked what I wanted to be when I grew up…sure enough, it said, ‘nurse.’” But she said she got pulled in different directions growing up, as people would say “oh but you’re so good at this! You’re so good at that!” and so there she was, graduating with a degree that she didn’t really bargain for.
In the post you talk about finding your passion, but then you go right into talking about how your degrees are worthless in the job market…what is it you want to do? Have a passion, or make money? Usually those things don’t go hand in hand, unless you’re really fucking lucky.
If you want to be a writer, I am quickly learning myself that that shit is NOT easy. I busted my balls all throughout school, haven’t gotten a B since I was literally 11-years-old, I took all sorts of electives, did extra-curricular shit, graduated in the top of the class, blahblahblah, and yet I’m still begggggggggging just to get a job that’ll pay me $10/hr, falsely comforted by the fact that “unemployment for under-25-yr-olds is at 17%.” Yet I can’t say I regret anything! All creative fields are the shits (apparently linguistics too!). You don’t do them for money. You do them because you have to. Just prepare yourself for some serious rejections. It’s kinda like an intellectualized version of showbiz—some make it, most don’t, and usually there’s not much rhyme or reason to it. Though hard work definitely helps.
Obviously it’s a trickier spot you’re in, because you’re married, and your allegiance is to Kraig, and you kinda have to take the backseat right now. But, I totally think you can turn that into an advantage—freelancing, telecommuting is always an option, if it is writing that you want to do. If it isn’t writing, I still feel like you could turn whatever seems like a disadvantage into an advantage; that’s the kind of creativity that’s required these days.
Ok, that was a long response. But hopefully there's something in there for you :/
-J
**peace of mind!
ReplyDeleteUgh. I'm 7yrs out of college, have a steady job & still don't know what the hell I want to be when I grow up. Truthfully, these times are ugly & I'm blessed to even have a friggen job. Even new nurses are having trouble finding new jobs b/c of the craptastic economy & decreased federal & state reimbursement. With that being said, do what you can with what you have...it may not be ideal but things will eventually fall into place. My advise is to not ignore your passions but at the same time do what ya gotta do. Be it a crap job to pay the bills. Sorry this isn't more Polyanna but it just is what it is. I like my job ok but it doesn't nurture my creative side. And that is why I'm pursuing my Sea of Lovely :)
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